My Senior Thesis & My God

It is May 4th, exactly a week until May 11. Let me explain why I’m telling you basic facts.

At my school, senior thesis is the biggest of deals. Or at least, it seems to be. Senior thesis is the senior class’ capstone project, the culmination of the Annapolis student’s education. It’s a twenty minute speech on a controversial topic followed by a 10-20 minute Q&A session by a panel of judges who’ve watched the thesis presentation.

This is a week away. My thesis is on May 11. For some reason, I never thought I would actually get this close to it. Thesis is something that keeps me up at night, unable to sleep because of the terror I have for it. But I’ve recently had a breakthrough with all of the anxiety and stress. This breakthrough is Psalm 143:8:

Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you.

Senior thesis is something I’ve thought about for 4 years now. I had really made it a matter of my personal worth. Thinking about that now, it’s the silliest things.

Psalm 143:8 has become my life verse. Whenever I get stressed, I say it. I have it written at the top of my thesis. It’s my phone screensaver. It’s even on my graduation announcements (I graduate on May 28th…whaaaaaaaaaat??!!!) This verse means so much  to me.

Morning has always symbolized hope to me. Things always look better in the morning. After a long night, the morning is a restoration. The morning is a second chance.

Now the night is coming to an end
The sun will rise and we will try again – (Truce, Twenty One Pilots)

Also, His Love is Unfailing. He loved me before thesis. He’ll love me during thesis. He’ll love me after thesis. (how many times can I say thesis?) After all, He’s the only one who can judge my worth. Even if I screw up my senior thesis and it’s the worst ever, He still loves me. He is still proud. All He asks of me is that I work with my whole heart (Colossians 3:23). His love for me is unchanging and unwavering, completely based on who He is and not who I am.

I have this image in my head of me standing on stage on May 11th, in front of the judges, and utterly paralyzed. I imagine them asking me a really hard question and my mind going blank. This is what terrifies me. I told a mentor of mine about this nightmare, and she told me the exact thing that’s set my heart to rest. She had me image my God at my thesis, in that chapel with me. I imagine Him sitting between me and the judges, probably with a beard (I imagine God with a beard.). I see Him having creases around His eyes from all the smiles and laughs He’s had over the years; He has been alive for a long while. I’ve probably done many silly things to make Him chuckle. And, He has kind eyes. I imagine Him sitting with one leg crossed over the other and His fist to His chin, leaning forward slightly and looking interested. Although He already knows everything I’m going to say, He looks interested. How wonderful a thought! Then, I imagine my nightmare: me blanking on a question. I see Him watching my baffled face on stage and just thinking, “She’s doing so well. I’m so proud.”

Be still, my heart.

As my thesis is coming up, I will stress more. Yet, I am well equipped to talk myself off the ledge. My God is already proud of me. I need not place my worth into the hands of a ten page paper. I need not be silly.

Morning is coming, dear friends.

 

 

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